FAQ
Q: How do you know?
This is perhaps the hardest question to answer, and the answer is the least satisfying. How do you know? Its so much a part of who you are that its hard to even describe. I know that before I faced how I felt about this, it was on my mind *all the time*. Now (well, maybe except for this week), I’m at peace with it all.
This *does not* mean that I wasn’t happy before (I was – very much so), or that “Michael” was some sort of false front (it wasn’t – I’m still the same person).
Clearly, there’s a lot here. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, and in the end, its coherent to me (even if I can’t explain it).
Q: How long have you known?
I remember having a discussion with my mom about this when I was very small (between 5 and 8). The discussion was along the lines of “Why am I a boy – I don’t get it.”.
Now, this is not to say that I identified as Transgender back in ’74 – I had no idea what was going on, but I felt… different.
I remember seeing an episode of “Real People” (crazy 70′s reality show) where they showed a couple that “switched”. I think that this was the first time that I had ever heard of anyone who was Trans, and it was formative. First of all, the people were treated like freaks, and secondly, for a long time I thought that in order to transition, you needed to find someone to swap with. In retrospect, this was super odd, but hey, I was not even 10.
I finally came to the conclusion earlier this year that I was Transgender, wanted to transition, and that it was a secret that needed to get told. (I had told zero people on the planet about this after the early convo w/my mom until earlier this year.)
Q: Are you still going to do all the same stuff that you do today?
Yup. Same person, different wrapper.
Updated: 12/12. Ok, here’s the deal. While I’m the same person, this journey has changed me deeply in many ways. I think the answer above is too flippant today. Pre-out Michael was genuine, out-Michael was genuine, and Megan is genuine. I was always “me”, but just like everyone, every day you learn and change.
Being Human 101: Make Mistake, Apologize, Fix Mistake, Learn From Mistake, Live a Bit, (repeat).
It just so happened that this process was *intense* and drove personal learning RAPIDLY.
So, I’m not “two people”, I’m the same person, but time, tide, rain, snow, wind and sun has changed me, just like any significant personal journey would. This is not about gender, this is about change because of an intense personal journey.
Q: When are you going “fulltime”?
Well, I have FFS on November 29, and when we come back to Seattle on December 7, I’ll be living fulltime as female.
Update: As of November 29, I’ve been fulltime.
Q: How did you pick your name, and why not that other ‘M’ name – ‘Michelle’?
Naming babies is WAY easier than naming yourself. That being said, I knew that I wasn’t going to change my last name. I wanted the same initials – MJW (my Dad was John Michael, his dad was John, my first son is John Michael, so I’m attached to the name and the initials).
I wanted a name that didn’t end in a vowel, and I absolutely, under no circumstance wanted any M name that was a derivative of Michael. Fundamentally, all my life, I didn’t want anyone to “Find Out”. As a result, whenever anyone called me “Michelle” (as kids do to other kids all the time – calling boys by feminine versions of their name) I bristled: “Oh no! They have found me out!”. Totally illogical… but true. As a result, no, I’m not choosing Michelle.
As I write this, I do not have a middle name picked out. It might just end up being “J”.
Update: I think I’m going with “Jenna” as a middle name. Next Monday I will go to court in Seattle to change it officially, and Tuesday the 11th, Anh and I will go to Olympia to do the right stuff to get a new license with a new name, new pic, and an “F” on it.
Update Update: Done and Done, as of 12/10/2007, I’m legal. As of 12/11/2007, my WA State Driver’s License says it too – but “M” not “F”. Long story. Who cares? It’s a letter on a piece of plastic.
Q: When should I call you Megan?
When I look like Megan. However, anyone who knows me already gets an infinite hall pass on Michael/Mike v. Megan. I’m not psycho about it, because I don’t see Michael and Megan as two people. I’m just me… the name is just a pointer – not a definition.
Pronouns are harder. When I look like Megan, I think its “She”, although I’m not going to be psycho about that either.
Update: As of the 5th of December, the Michael/Megan ratio is about 95/5. He/She the same. Most of the “5″ are “mistakes”. Some people do have more of a hard time with the whole “Megan” thing, and thats ok. I still issue hall passes, and none have been revoked!
Q: Does this mean you are a lesbian?
Ah, this gets to my first idea for a book title: “The Tyrrany of Labels”.
Updates: That’s not my book title anymore. Too negative (see, the journey changed me!). New Book Title: “Smile and Wave”. (with some subtitle about transitioning with style and either grace, poise, laughter, something).
I have always been attracted to Women. Love ‘em. Men, not at all. This hasn’t changed for me at all.
If I identify as female, and I’m married (yes, legally married – grandfathered in) to a woman, does that make me a lesbian? Honestly, I don’t know, and I don’t care. I’m not trying to adopt or conform to any particular label. Yes, this is a brainbuster. This will be the topic of a longer post later….
Q: What about your voice? Are you going to change it?
No, not planning on it.
Q: What are you going to look like after surgery? Isn’t there some sort of computer generated image that they have shown you?
Welcome to spooky world. I have NO IDEA what I’m going to look like. I know what Dr. O is doing, but no idea what it will look like when done. I know on November 30, I’ll look like a train wreck!
Update: December 5 – I still am super swollen, and a bit bruised, but I’m getting there. Friday is a big day as we’ll see “THE NOSE”.
Update: December 12 – check out the pictures, its coming along! Every day, a little better.
Q: How did your wife react?
From Anh:
“The timing of the conversation sucked. . .Samwich was about 2 months old and Michael chose Mother’s Day to tell me. Shock doesn’t quite explain my reaction to the news. I was heartbroken. . .I thought of our future together and so many thoughts were running through my head about how I/we were going to deal with it.
The possibility of not transitioning was never an option that I considered discussing w/her.
While we still have challenges going forward, every day it gets easier and fundamentally it comes down to how much I love her and does the packaging really matter in the end?”
Q: How do you decide what pictures to post?
I have no problem posting pictures of me, or stuff (e.g. the purse which was done on request). However, I do appreciate the privacy of Anh (she reads every post – sensitive one she sees before they go online), my kids, my family, friends, and associates. I don’t want to (and try not to) personally ID them, and won’t post pictures w/o a very very explicit conversation. (Not that anyone has said no, but I haven’t asked, as I don’t think its neccessary.)
Q: Are you going to celebrate November 26/29 as your new birthday?
No. I have a birthday. I love it. I will always think of the week after Thanksgiving as “Special”, but no party, and no cake, candles, etc. I’m sure for a while every year Anh and I will have a “remember when” conversation at some point that week, but I certainly don’t think about it as a birthday.
Q: What Gender are you Legally?
I have no idea. On my Washington State Driver License, I’m “F”. My Birth Certificate, Passport, Pilot License and Social Security Card are all “M”. At work too, I’m still officially “M”, but that’s related more to the fact that we are still legally married. If I became “F” at work (which they would change if I asked), then there would be weirdness (HR systems weirdness) around the fact that we are still legally married (more on that below), but its two “F”‘s.
Why are these all different? Well, it turns out that different agencies (and different states) have different rules for officially changing your gender. For Washington State, I wrote up the rules for changing your license on the “Washington State DOL Practices” page. This basically requires a serious fulltime transition, and a letter from a local doctor diagnosing you with GID, and saying that the change is “appropriate”. The reason why I’m “M” with many other agencies is that they require that you have “GRS” (Genital Reassignment Surgery), which I have not and plan not to have.
When it comes to filling our general forms that ask for gender, I have to think about what they are really asking and why. If its anything to do with credit, related to my SS #, then I have to check “M”. If it’s more social in context, then “F” works.
Q: Are you still legally married?
Yes. It turns out that once you are married, the state (at least in Washington) can’t unmarry you without your consent. (Divorce). We are not asking, and they can’t force us.
The IRS still treats us as legally married. The question of SSA survivor benefits is a bit of an unknown, but since I haven’t changed my gender with SSA, this shouldn’t be a problem (but hope that won’t be an issue for a long long time).
The whole question of what gender I am from a marriage point-of-view is an interesting one, since my docs don’t match (above).
It is additionally an interesting question (one to which I do not know the answer) to ask what gender I could legally marry today (if I wasn’t already married – NB, I have NO itention of becoming un-married!).
Funniest Questions
A little preamble. I’ve tried to be very open to questions that friends, family and co-workers have asked. I’ve told them “no question is out of bounds – but I reserve the right to not answer. But sometimes, the questions, although totally heartfelt, are just plain funny – either the manner of the question or the content… So, I have to share. If the asker of any of the below questions is reading this – forgive me. 
Q: Are you going to wax your arms?
Context: This question was asked of me at work, in a room of about thirty people, the day I sent my “Hi, I’m transgendered” email to all of Microsoft.
Answer: Waxing doesn’t work! Laser Baby!
Q: Which bathroom are you going to use, and are you going to stand up?
Context: The first part of this question is a FAQ, and not that funny. However, the second part… well, it stands on its own.
Answer: The Women’s room. However, standing might make a scene (toes pointing the wrong way), so I’ll go in the seated position.
As more questions become FAQ, I’ll post – if you have one you’d like answered, submit a comment.
sara said,
November 27, 2007 at 3:39 pm
m-
firstly, hope you’re feeling ok. Second, congratulations. Frankly, i’m shocked i’m compelled to write, but here i am…
when i was 10-12, my dad came out to me (this was late 80s), throwing my world into question. while it seems you have an immensely supportive family, from the perspective of a kid who’s seen BIG news, i’d encourage you to do anything possible to make sure your kids have a safe peerset. my family didn’t, and i think it took me another 10 years to get over it.
I wish you all the luck in the world. what a brave and admirable choice to open it up to the world. it makes me so happy we live in a world where its possible.
frodo441 said,
December 11, 2007 at 9:01 am
…considering your power name…from most pristine life…definitions maybe construed as “monachers”…sentient people are very acute about nicknames…honestly, I’ve found my inner “Judy Hamilton” what’s yours…
frodo441 said,
December 11, 2007 at 9:03 am
considering we sometimes find out in familial relationships “sisters” are the maincourse…eventually they find each other in life and find resolve…I myself as the youngest in a family of four…at a time when populations around the world were increasing exponentially, have found the “jackboots of my grandmother”…
frodo441 said,
December 11, 2007 at 9:12 am
…well…in light of the propitious nature of time in serendipity…and out of times fashioned ..(not for an Etruscan fashion statement)…ebbing onward from the discourse of lovers…extrapolated and truncated modes of reasoning brings the blast from the past…this is not some Oedipal theory of Freud…Oedipus was a real historical figure…in contemporary modes of progression, the dark “foliage” is learned…to know the “foliage”…
frodo441 said,
December 11, 2007 at 9:14 am
…”foliage” assailed like a clock on the wall that is wound…the mechanism quieted…ever so gently turned…
frodo441 said,
December 11, 2007 at 9:31 am
…sorry…but childhood psychological baggage is better left at the airport…than to expatiate the empty cup of reason in the enduring Gestalt of the ashes of toast and crumbs…you grew up in a time when the “Weltershunge” (world view) was again continueing on…don’t trade your hand for the effigy’s of the prestige of reasonings…
frodo441 said,
December 11, 2007 at 10:11 am
…the trap of concentric thought is only a tool used by masters for the didactic purpose to address delinquent students…Like K.Murti wrote “content is consciousness”…within the porous confines of methodologies to “skip” the bounderies of eschatology’s…so not to be confined to merely a semantic…such would be the realm of rhetorical measure…
Vicki said,
January 11, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Megan you are beautiful. I think you are extermely lucky to have such an understanding wife. Can’t wait for more info on your blog
Megan>> Why thank you Vicki, although you did make me blush on the first part!
As for Anh, well, she’s amazing. I feel so fortunate to be spending my life with her!
Vicki said,
January 12, 2008 at 3:28 pm
You are welcome for the praise Megan. Yes I think you should include Anh’ feelings and comments in the Anh sez. Wish You could post a Email address so I could write you to ask some questions. It sounds like Washington is much more Transgender friendly than Maine
Megan>> I am very interested to see in our travels if we notice a difference in how we are treated that seems systemic… We haven’t noticed a difference so far, but we’ve been to San Francisco, San Jose, Seattle, Las Vegas and now Boston.
As for how to contact me, all comments go to me first. I do get info on the provided email address. If you ask me not to post the comment, but just to reply privately I will.
Jean said,
March 6, 2008 at 9:04 am
Call me judgmental (go ahead…it’s something you have to live with if you’re going to hang a private story out in the open), but here’s what I find odd–you decided it was time for a sex change when you had a 2 month old baby. It strikes me as sad (for the baby, for you) that the baby didn’t fill you up. Also sad for your wife to have her attention diverted from baby to you. All that attention paid to surgery and not to the miraculous new little person! Hello?
Megan>> I’d never say you were judgmental. However, if you read the blog, or talk to anyone that knows me, Anh or Samwich I think you will see that we both are attentive, smitten parents who absolutely love him. I talk about him all the time in the blog, and he occupies a huge amount of my headspace. This is not even to mention Peri and John, who are awesome as well (no less so)…. believe me, this trans thing, even though its a big part of the “story” today is not what our lives are about….
jennywocky said,
March 6, 2008 at 10:20 am
ha — I actually SAW that episode of Real People that you describe, Megan, it still sticks in my brain! The m2f was tall and skinny, with long dark hair, and the f2m was shorter with blondish hair (I think)… and it showed them going to the grocery store together in that clip. Weird. But it sticks in my mind, I think as with you, as one of the first exposures I got to the fact there were other people out there in the world who were dealing with what I was.
I like your comment about the “pointer” — how the name changes but it still all points to the same person. (People get very attached to the sign, the signifier, rather than to the signified.)
Yet it’s like you said, you are still changing as well. As the change commences, there is some level at which I feel like I had been playing a role… and yet parts of that role were still me, it wasn’t all a complete fabrication, and it was me doing my best to make life work at the time.
It’s kind of hard to separate it all. All these different people are you, even as your inner sense of self might remain coherent at some level. So hard to explain why the change is necessary sometimes, it’s simply not so easily packaged.
Jean said,
March 6, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Thanks for your reply. I felt guilty for writing that no sooner than I hit “submit”. No doubt I really don’t understand the feeling of wanting to have a different gender, or how deep that goes. I’ll have to watch on ABC, and I do wish you (and Anh and kids) the best.
Megan>> No problem… I really do appreciate the comment – it was clearly thoughtful, and I have no problem with that at all. Our kids are awesome! We love em all, and one of the joys of my life is being a doting parent….
Jess said,
March 6, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Hey Megan,
I commend you for your bravery through this adventure! It takes a lot of guts to take a stand for who you are – and it takes even more guts to broadcast it to the world and create a blog around it.
I’d love to chat through email!
Jess
Aram said,
March 7, 2008 at 12:48 am
What about other surgeries? You just had your face and your breast done.
Megan>> Yes, thats all I’ve had, and all I plan to have. I’m in a (voluntary) surgery-free zone!
Cathy said,
March 7, 2008 at 7:23 am
I saw you on GMA and Night Line earlier this week and was amazed by your story.I would like to ask you where a parent can go for help with a child believed to be having gender issues?
Transgender News Note « Seattle University Law and Sexuality, Spring 2008 said,
March 7, 2008 at 1:03 pm
[...] this makes either Megan or her wife (or both) lesbian. (The question is briefly addressed in the blog FAQ.) The thing to notice is that it is actually a tricky question to answer. And that offers some [...]
Mario said,
July 17, 2008 at 10:16 pm
This is an amazing personal journey you’ve been on.
Thank You for the insight and for having the foresight to see this experience as something that could benefit others as well as yourself.
Is it a complement when someone tells you that you are interesting in every sense of the word? Because that would be an understatement as well.
I’m 18 years old and I am going to be a Freshman at the University of Washington. I have 1st time-experience-anxiety over going to college but now that I’ve read all that you’ve written, my worries are less concentrated on the risks and more in-tuned to my goals. (Not to say that I wasn’t less driven by optimism, haha.)
~Good tidings~