December 5, 2008
Passing
It’s not a four letter word.
I thought that it wouldn’t be a big deal. It actually kind of is.
Fitting in turns out to be even more important, and probably the most critical element to passing. What do I mean by fitting in?
The next time you are in a public place – look around. Look for the person – man, woman, doesn’t matter – who is the outlier. In Miami Beach, look for the dude w/the rad chest hair, and the shirt unbuttoned down to his navel. At Microsoft on campus, being overdressed is the exception. Jeans is the official uniform of your average ‘Softie. Even wearing shorts in January won’t get you noticed. In Washington, DC, not being dressed in business clothes (professional suit) will get you noticed.
Over the past year, I’ve learned (slowly) how to dress to not get noticed, no matter the circumstance. I try hard to not stand out with my clothes. Hey, being 6-2 gets me noticed anyway, so the last thing I need is a big frigging beacon over my head.
Now, just a few words on being remembered. One thing that Anh and I have noticed is that the “Mean-time-to-being-remembered” is now 1.5 visits to a given place. (It used to be much higher than that.) At least half the time on our second visit to a restaurant, the staff remembers me and greets us warmly. It’s a good thing we tip well.
Anyway, trying to dress appropriately, and even a little modestly has helped make my transition a smoother one. People have even commented on that. Basically: “If you showed up with tons of makeup, a dress, stockings and high heels this would have been harder.”
What’s the line between being true to yourself and fitting in? Can you do both?
I think you can, and I think that we all do it, all the time.
Every circumstance has its own dress code. Sure, you can go outside the lines, or even push them. I know and have met perfectly well adjusted people who dress well outside of those lines. I’m not suggesting it’s not ok.
What I’m suggesting is that if you are going through a gender transition, attemping to do that, and also not carefully considering the social norms of appearance for your newly presenting gender may just create more challenges that could otherwise be avoided.
Admission
I love flying. I got my pilot’s license back in 2000, and had flown nearly 1000 hours between then and the fall of last year.
Things got super busy, then I had the facial discombobulation surgery, and it was spring. Still no flying.
I had to get a new FAA medical exam, and I did that. Then my license lapsed because I had to do my biennial flight review.
I have to make an appointment with the local FAA office (FSDO in pilot speak) to change my name – in person.
I haven’t done it.
I think about it.
I think about how lame it is that I didn’t do it.
Honestly, part of what’s holding me back is that I don’t want to deal with calling my flight instructor and “explaining”. Jack is super cool, and I’m sure it would be fine, but I’m weary of explaining.
I don’t want to walk into the FBO (plane parking place), and then have to explain to them too….
This is SUPER LAME. I need to just deal and go do it.
Yes, I still have challenges.
So Much to Learn
Every company has their own meeting protocol.
‘Softies are late – usually about 5 minutes. I try, really try, to not be late. Since my job is all about meetings, and I’m back to back from 9-5 every day, I tend to be a little late.
I have a regular meeting on Wednesdays (when I’m in Redmond) with folks who I’ve worked with for a long time (more than in just this job). One of the people in that meeting tends to high-five people when they come in, especially late. (Which um, would be, me).
I came in, and gave Besty the requisite “Yeah, I’m a loser, I’m late” high-five.
She recoiled, grabbed her hand.
“Ow Megan! That’s not how us girls give high fives. Try again!”
Three or four iterations later, I got the “Girl High Five” down. Not too firm, not a lot of follow through, light recoil.
Satisfied, Betsy let me take my seat, high-five dunce hat firmly in place.
The next week, I walked in, early. I didn’t want to get tested.
Betsy was sitting there, Cheshire-cat grin firmly in place, right hand up to receive the high-five action.
“Very good! You learned!”
Whew.
From My Playlist
Love this lyric:
I saw two shooting stars last night
I wished on them
But they were only satellites
Is it wrong to wish on space hardware?
- Billy Bragg
November 23, 2008
Thankful
Barcelona!
Thanksgiving week, this year quite a bit different from the last.
Many people have asked how I’ll celebrate my “One Year Anniversary” (November 28). The fact is that I probably won’t. It’s another day…
Many people have asked about how work has been – how traveling both domestically and internationally has been. Pretty unremarkable actually – we’ve had both our quickest return trips through customs, as well as the first time that we’ve ever been pulled out. (That was coming back from Spain – it turns out that there is a lot of “Ham Smuggling” – not a euphemism – and the customs folk are on the lookout for smuggled sausage.)
At work, day to day in Redmond, no one really cares about my gender (or transition). They care that I’m competent and do my job (which I try to do!)
At home, well, there I’m truly fortunate. Thankful even. I won’t gush, but it wouldn’t be the same without Anh… nuff said.
I’ll be back soon with a full recap of the year.
Thankful.
September 19, 2008
Leaving Israel
Getting to and from Israel from Seattle is non-trivial – both in time and overall travel effort. I came in on Tuesday night, through Paris, on Air France (I left midday Monday from Seattle).
To leave I was departing from Tel Aviv at 5am, on a KLM flight to Amsterdam, then on NWA to Seattle, which should get in mid-afternoon the same day (Friday).
I had heard epic stories about security at airports in Israel. I had asked a bunch of folks in the office how long to get to the airport before the flight – the general consensus was between two and three hours. Even traveling business class – even at 5am.
There is a bit of a shortcut though – if you are “hosted” by a large company or organization, they can “vouch” for you, and security gets a little easier. Yesterday I filled out the forms, and they were sent in to the airport security office. What got sent back was this:
- My Security Ticket
The key thing wasn’t the piece of paper, but it was the security authorization number, and the fact that they had all my info in their central database.
Hummos in Israel (The Lunch of Choice!)
This week I was on business travel in Israel. As part of an internal reorg, I’m now responsible for a small development group in our Microsoft Israel office outside of Tel Aviv (in Herzeliya).
Food is an obvious connection when meeting new people – in business or personally. While we were working, we talked a lot about good food – both in Seattle and also in Israel. One of my new co-workers is a hummos fanatic – constantly searching out the best places to go, with awesome critiques of which places have the best salad, the best hummos itself, the best sauces – you get the picture.
Yesterday for lunch, he asked where we should go.
“Hummos!”
It was unanimous. He told us about his favorite local place. He described it as “The Hummos Nazi” – like the Soup Nazi in Seinfeld. I was more in than ever for this place! We set of on our hummos adventure for the Hummos Shack (my term, not his!) which was tucked in a small retail space in another office complex. (Its in the Ramat-Gan neighborhood)
The name of the place is “Parsley” in English.
A Good Sign
When we walked up, there was a good size line – with members of the Israeli Army just in front of us. This is a good sign – the longer the line, the better!
The Menu
The menu was posted on the far wall, all in Hebrew. It turns out that there is a “stack” that you can build:
- stewed beans (looked like some red bean variant)
- hummos
- oil and chickpeas
- diced onion
- parsley
- hard boiled egg
The menu basically describes that.
The prices are in NIS (New Israel Sheckel), and the rate is about 3.5 NIS = $1 USD. You can see then, at 7 to 8 NIS per plate, this is a good deal.
The Home of Happy Hummos
The ingredients are served from these trays, into your waiting plate.
Saucy?
You have a choice of sauces – the far left are whole jalapenos, the middle is a mango salsa, and the right is a red pepper mash (schug).
Option 1: No EggOption 2: Egg and Beans
With the plate, you are served pita bread, as well as the ubiquitous Israeli salad – tomato, cucumber onion, parsley. (Some places add cabbage – this place did not.)
Pita!
Salad!
Basically, you mix and eat into as many combinations that you would like. This was an *awesome* lunch. The veggies were fresh – the sauces were crisp and fresh, and the bread was warm and clearly fresh baked.
Not only that, but this was an amazingly filling lunch. Lunch in Israel turns out to be a big meal (little to no breakfast), usually taken between 12-1, but then dinner isn’t until 8-9pm – and these are leisurely affairs. This lunch served me well to tide me over for more than eight hours until dinner.
One thing that just about everyone said though about Israeli restaurant service is that its brusque at best. To the point. Brief. This place was no exception. As we were finishing up, probably a little too slowly, one of the guys from the restaurant told, or “invited” us to leave in Hebrew – I guess we were taking too long!
Even with that, I’d go back in a second… it was amazing.
September 12, 2008
Discretion is the better part of valor?
Run Away!
We were in Austin since Wednesday night for the Out & Equal workplace conference (see posts below). My presentation was Thursday afternoon (more on the in another post), so my official work there was done, although there were more conference things going on until Saturday. We were planning on going home Sunday afternoon.
Then Ike showed up.
Over the past couple of days, people all along the Gulf coast have been keeping an eye on the approaching storm. Austin is a ways inland, but there were concerns that even there, this very massive storm would have an impact on the city – potentially with a loss of power and other challenges.
We got a letter from the hotel last night saying that they were tracking the storm, and if they lost power, they had emergency generators for some elevator operations, some emergency lighting, and limited foodservice. No ventilation, and certainly no AC. For the last three days, it was in the high 90’s, with very high humidity there.
As of last night, all the flights today (Thursday) out of Austin for Friday (today) were all sold out. The Houston airport was closing at 6pm Friday (closed as I post this), and the Austin airport was not scheduled to operate on Saturday, with the requisite flight cancellations.
This morning, I woke up a little before Anh and Samwich did, and checked out the weather. There was no definitive forecast for the storm’s effect in Austin, but there were already FEMA people in our hotel (dealing with evacuees, and preparing Austin too).
I checked for flights out of Dallas (DFW) to get back to Seattle today. Yes, there were flights, direct on Alaska, and there were still rental cars available.
Hmm… there were a bunch of other folks from Microsoft at the conference, and I had hoped to spend more time there.
I thought about this, thought about what it would be like to ride out a major storm in a hotel with no power or ventilation, in a city with potentially large number of evacuees coming from even more impacted locations.
Anh was stirring, and I said, “Anh, how about if we leave now. Let’s drive to Dallas and get a flight out of there.”
Anh immediately agreed, and we got ready to leave. I sent email to my co-workers offering folks a ride, but no one else decided to come with us, although some people changed flights and were going out of other airports.
The traffic leaving Austin was pretty heavy, probably both because of the time of day, but also because there were a lot of people on the road. For the next hundred miles or so, there were temporary signs telling hurricane evacuees where to exit, and where they could stay. It was honestly a little spooky.
So, we left.
We got to the airport in plenty of time, got on our flight, and off we go.
As we were driving I was thinking about the choices that we have that others don’t have. We were able to rent a car without a thought. I rebooked the travel without a thought, and got to where we needed to go. If the Dallas thing didn’t work out, then we’d just drive until we found an airport or a flight that did. Two cell phones, two laptops with data cards and a GPS give you that flexibility.
Before I booked it all, I was starting to feel a little trapped.
What if there was no power – no milk for Samwich – hot and steamy on a high floor in a hotel that we had to walk up and down the stairs to get in and out. What if? How would I have felt if I didn’t take the choice that was available to us, and the storm was a little more to the west, and a little worse than thought?
I can only imagine how the residents of that area (or, lets say New Orleans, pre-Katrina) felt when facing such an impending area. They have babies. They have loved ones. They want to protect them too.
The choices that I have are a fortunate gift, and I was reminded of that today.
I hope that Ike isn’t as bad as forecast, and the people of the region are in our thoughts.
Samwich Rates the iPhone
My son, the traitor.
Samwich has a very simple rating scheme for things.
Things that you can eat are rated either:
- Ah! (with mouth open): Translation: “Give me more, now. Didn’t you hear me? I said now.” Things in this category include M&Ms (yes, we are bad parents), fried rice and sushi.
- No! (shaking head): Translation: “This stuff is foul. Are you trying to kill me with this crap?”. If not obeyed, this expression will be followed with the self-evident “Ptoey!” with the accompanying ejection of said objectionable material.
Non-edible things that are cool are rated “Whoa!”, generally with his lips pursed into an “O” shape, and sometimes accompanied with a point at the “Whoa” rated thing.
Things that have been rated “Whoa!” before include airplanes, dogs, Elmo, car wheels, and digger-like machines. The maximum “Whoa!” rating ever received was three. For Elmo.
Until today.
Sitting on the airplane, waiting to go back to Seattle from the Out & Equal conference (more on that in another post), Anh was showing him the latest Conde Nast Traveler, looking for “Whoa!” things.
He flipped to the back cover, which has an iPhone ad – showing the face, with the “desktop” icons visible (just about life size).
Samwich sees this and goes “This is Whoa!”, and starts pointing to it, trying to press the buttons. Now, the fact that he strung the phrase “This is” on the front of the rating gives it even more weight (little dude is only 18 months old now, so three words is pretty good).
He proceeds to rate this 13 “Whoa!”’s, a new record.
To add insult to injury, he starts to kiss and slobber all over it.
Samwich, iPhone, get a room!
Anh says “Looks like mommy needs an iPhone….” Giggling.
Maybe we’ll just laminate the back of the magazine and call it done.
September 10, 2008
Out & Equal Workplace Summit 2008
Anh, Samwich and I arrived in Austin today for the Out & Equal Workplace Summit 2008.
I’m on a panel tomorrow for the afternoon plenary session (at 3:30) with the CEO of Clorox, as well as the President of AT&T California – Don Knauss and Ken McNeely (bios). Cindy Solomon is the moderator. We are doing a panel discussion, and we each have been given a few minutes to speak up front, and then answer questions from the audience. I’ve been asked to talk about transitioning in the workplace, and I expect that I’ll be asked questions around that topic.
So… I’m a little nervous. I’m no CEO, and this is the first time that I’ve done a non-techie presentation to anywhere near this number of people (I’ve been told that there are about 3000 registered – how many show up to see us? Well see!) I still feel like a total newbie in this space. Who am I to give advice, or even think that my experience is relevant? After a lot of teeth gnashing, I’ve decided to go pretty simple – big lessons learned for me, and big lessons that (I think) Microsoft learned.
For any even semi-regular reader of this space, my big lessons are the same ones I’ve been writing about for quite some time:
- If you aren’t ashamed, don’t act like you are!
- Open to questions means that there aren’t any secrets!
- Be unconstrained by percieved limitations
- Don’t be an adjective!
and so on… Of course, each of these little bon mots will be accompanied by an anectode (I’m nothing if not anecdotal).
I can’t say that my path would be good for anyone else, but it was my path, and I’ll talk about it. Please, if you are in the audience, no snoring.
Plenary 2 – Tomorrow in Austin. I’ll be there.
(As an aside, tomorrow is the one year anniversary of me sending my “Hi, I’m coming back in January with a new name and a new gender presentation!” (No, the mail didn’t say that – I’ll post it tomorrow for reference… it was *way* more eloquent) I could not have planned it this way… Quite a bit of change in a year, huh?)
PS – If you are at O&E and are wondering where I’m going to be, drop me a comment on the “Contact” page, and I’ll see what I can do!
