November 16, 2007

No, Yesterday Wasn’t My Last Post

Posted in friends, transgender at 9:51 pm by Michael

I’m living in a foreign country, but I’m bound to cross the line
Beauty walks a razor’s edge; someday I’ll make it mine
If I could only turn back the clock to the time when I was born

“Come in” she says, I’ll give you shelter from the storm

Bob Dylan – Shelter From the Storm

I’m not sure why these lines now make me a puddle of emotion, but, they do.

Two things here really resonate with me. First of all, right now, I feel like I live in the mushy middle – I certainly don’t “pass” as female, and as a guy, I look decidedly odd. Long hair, little/no face and arm hair, skinny arms and upper body… not exactly manly. In both regards, I feel like I’m living in a foreign country. Neither male, nor female.

Last weekend, with all good intentions, I tried something that didn’t work. A couple of months ago, I had planned to go to Vegas (as I love to do), with some of my guy friends to have a “Last Boys Weekend”. Now, realistically, my boy’s weekends in Vegas have consisted of eating too much, gambling too much, drinking too much. Little-to-no other debauchery was ever had. I know that women do virtually the same thing… in the past, Anh and I have had mirror weekends in Vegas where we stay at the same place, eat at the same places, etc. The only difference is that the girls go spa most of the time. Boys, not so much.

In any case… we get there, and I just feel… odd. Very very hard to explain. Like an imposter? A poseur? A guest? An alien? Oh god (or Flying Spaghetti Monster), what I have done?

I’m already different.

But, then it feels like this one way door — I certainly don’t want to go back, and at this point, getting to “The New Normal” is a ways off….

Now, the second bit of resonance for me. I’m lucky to have an amazing set of friends, family, and more than anything a wife who loves me and supports me. She’s my Shelter from the Storm….

I was incredibly afraid before I had told anyone that I would loose everything – family, friends, job… I’ve read about people who have. Very very scary.

I have had a very different path than what I feared. Yes, its been hard – especially on family and friends – but, I’ve grown closer to so many people. Its truly been amazing.

For my friends who have been there for me through this – thank you seems insufficient, but its all I’ve got. So, thanks….


1 Comment »

  1. Kat said,

    I love that you selected lyrics from that Dylan song. It is one of my all time favorites. Five verses earlier seemes more appropriate for you now. I visualize you standing in the mirror for the first time as if talking to yourself…

    Suddenly I turned around and she was standin’ there
    With silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair.
    She walked up to me so gracefully and took my crown of thorns.
    “Come in,” she said,
    “I’ll give you shelter from the storm.”

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