December 24, 2007

Holiday Letter

Posted in humor at 10:12 pm by Michael

Well, 2007 was another fantastic year in a string of fantastic years.

This year we welcomed in the littlest Walnut – Samwich Wallent on March 15, 2007. He popped out like a bean from an edamame after just 2 minutes of labor. Anh alerted me to her impending delivery by calmly saying “Samwich is Coming.’, at which point the police escort came to our house, and drove us to the hospital with silent sirens. As soon as we arrived at the hospital, we were escorted in to delivery room, where Anh bore down once, and then Daniel – by then known as Samwich to all – popped out, and said in a lovely cockney accent: “Hello Lovely Parents, I’ve had a nice swim, but I’d very much like something to eat.”

From Day 1, Samwich has slept 12 hours at a time, without interruption.

Peri at 9 has had four art expositions at the finest museums in London, Prague, Moscow and Beijing – wowing both the east and the west simultaneously with her amazing blend of zest, vision and humor.

John at 7 is now an executive producer in Hollywood and has started shooting “Star Wars VII: The Revenge of the Audience” – the sole goal of the production is to rescue the entire dramatic arc from the misguided introduction of the “midiclorians”. In Star Wars VII, we’ll find out that episodes I through act III of Episode III were dreams of Vader, while being operated on to create his evil robotized self after being dunked in lava. We will hear the real story, told as a series of flashbacks in this stunner.

Amazing children, however Samwich still has no teeth. His dentures come in next Monday. Sometimes you just can’t let nature take it’s course.

Our vacations this year included Las Vegas, Los Angeles, San Jose, San Francisco, Maui, Mars, Tuscany, Rome, Amalfi, Boston, Wickford and Boise. We enjoyed each day without argument, contention and remarkably without getting lost or overcharged a single time.

Anh was a participant in the “Insurance Testing Program” this year, where she “intentionally” got into two accidents with an Enterprise Rent-A-Car. We discovered that Allstate gets pissy and confused the second time you call them telling them that you wrecked not-your-car, but they owe money to someone for something. Sorry, not a 5 out of 5. As a side note – “Moving Wall” – still not a good excuse. We expect to get 5000 S&H GreenStamps for Anh’s efforts – Ellensburg here we come!

Some lovely folks in Georgia found out my Amex number and, as honest people do, reported this, and again participated in the “Amex Fraud Testing Program” by going to the same Target in Georgia 52 times in one day. Boy, those Amex guys are SHARP! They caught the testers on visit 27, when “I” bought 29 cartons of Marlboro Lights. How did Amex know that I couldn’t smoke?

So here now, as we sit here watching “The Sound of Music”, and we contemplate our great fortune in 2007, we can only look forward to an even better 2008. One filled with laughter, tears, sleep, and maybe some teeth for Samwich.

Oh, and by the way, Michael came out as Transgendered and is now Megan. She’s like Michael only with less hair everywhere but the top of her head, and with a more fashionable wardrobe.

We really are looking forward to an exciting and eventful year in 2008, for a change.