December 19, 2008

Pearls of Wisdom

Posted in humor, work at 7:36 am by Michael

The Thinker Puzzles Over The Pearls of Wisdom

The Thinker Puzzles Over The Pearls of Wisdom

There was a manager at Microsoft who over the years many of my friends and I worked with and for.

He had a certain way with words.

His collected sayings were known as “The Pearls of Wisdom”.

Malapropisms? Blindingly obvious? Wise?

You decide.

“I am the champion of perceived performance.”

“We should be like Junkyard dogs on this one.”

“You should underpromise, but don’t under-underpromise.”

“Don’t be #2.”

“It’s clear that we need to be clear.”

“This is the dark part of the tunnel. The light is always getting closer. But it’s still dark.”

“The people in this room are the glue and the grease.”

“It’s a full round trip.” (As opposed to a partial roundtrip.)

“He’s an infinite distance from getting promoted.”

“You’ve got to let the pendulum swing up.”



December 5, 2008

From My Playlist

Posted in humor at 10:56 am by Michael

Love this lyric:

I saw two shooting stars last night

I wished on them

But they were only satellites

Is it wrong to wish on space hardware?

          Billy Bragg

January 23, 2008

Me Think You Have Fundamentally Misunderstood Cookie Eating Process!

Posted in family, humor at 9:22 pm by Michael

 Cookie and Prairie Dawn

I was watching Sesame Street with Samwich the other morning. There was a segment on with Prairie Dawn (blonde little girl w/high voice and very pink skin).

The little segment is about “First and Last”, and Prairie Dawn has set out five cookies for Cookie Monster.

Prairie Dawn Says: “Cookie Monster, which cookie do you want to eat first?”

Cookie Monster (cradling his face in his hands): “Ughhh….. no no no!”

Prairie Dawn: “Cookie Monster, what’s wrong? Which cookie do you want to eat first?”

Cookie Monster: “Me think you have fundamentally misunderstood cookie eating process!”

(Cookie Monster eats *all* the cookies at once.)

I laughed so hard, my nose hurt again. I’m not sure why this struck me as so funny… perhaps it was the googly eyes. Anyway, it was hilarious.

January 11, 2008

Iron Bureaucracy America

Posted in humor, Identification at 11:28 pm by Michael

Tonight on Iron Bureaucracy America, the challenger “Washington State DOL” is here in Bureaucracy Stadium to show us their mettle against some of the finest Iron Bureaucracies in all of America.

Will they choose Iron Bureaucracy IRS? Skilled at changing rules at the last minute?

Will they choose Iron Bureaucracy Banking Industry? Skilled at overcharging for the smallest misstep?

Will they choose Iron Bureaucracy United States Social Security Administration? Skilled at complex forms?
Washington State DOL, do you have an Iron Bureaucracy to challenge?

“We choose the United States Social Security Administration!”

The Chairman has a prepared a special challenge for each of you… one that challenges your powers of confusion and underdelivering!

The special challenge for today is…..

Battle Document! Mail out a requested form to Megan Wallent!

Ms. Wallent, what are your form requests for each of our mighty bureaucracies!

“For Iron Bureaucracy SSA, please mail me a new Social Security Card with my new legal name!”

“For Iron Bureaucracy Washington State DOL, please accept my request to get an F instead of an M on my driver’s license and send me a letter!”

Ms. Wallent, please fill out the forms and follow the procedures that each of our bureaucracies has established to achieve your goals.

Iron Bureaucracy SSA, you have lost points from the judges for having a posted procedure on the Internet that can be followed!

Iron Bureaucracy SSA, you have also lost points for having good customer service and making it easy to follow the procedure!

Iron Bureaucracy SSA you have promised a new card in two weeks!

Bureaucracy Challenger DOL, you have promised a letter in ten days!

[Ed. Unlike in Iron Chef, or Iron Chef America, once the challenge is accepted and the request made to the bureaucracies, a large black curtain falls down, and no sound is heard until the result occurs.]

[Ed. In addition, the “Winner” of Iron Bureaucracy America is the bureaucracy that delivers LAST, not first – because otherwise, why would they be a bureaucracy]

[Ed. Time Passes]

Ms. Wallent, do we have a result?

“Yes, we do! I can report that in today’s mail, only nine days, the SSA has overdelivered and I have in my possession a new Social Security Card!”

Ms. Wallent, do you have your letter from the DOL?

“No, I do not, Mr. Chairman!”

The Chairman then declares a winner! The winner of tonight’s challenge on Iron Bureaucracy America – Battle Document – is Washington State DOL!

December 24, 2007

Holiday Letter

Posted in humor at 10:12 pm by Michael

Well, 2007 was another fantastic year in a string of fantastic years.

This year we welcomed in the littlest Walnut – Samwich Wallent on March 15, 2007. He popped out like a bean from an edamame after just 2 minutes of labor. Anh alerted me to her impending delivery by calmly saying “Samwich is Coming.’, at which point the police escort came to our house, and drove us to the hospital with silent sirens. As soon as we arrived at the hospital, we were escorted in to delivery room, where Anh bore down once, and then Daniel – by then known as Samwich to all – popped out, and said in a lovely cockney accent:  “Hello Lovely Parents, I’ve had a nice swim, but I’d very much like something to eat.”

From Day 1, Samwich has slept 12 hours at a time, without interruption.

Peri at 9 has had four art expositions at the finest museums in London, Prague, Moscow and Beijing – wowing both the east and the west simultaneously with her amazing blend of zest, vision and humor.

John at 7 is now an executive producer in Hollywood and has started shooting “Star Wars VII: The Revenge of the Audience” – the sole goal of the production is to rescue the entire dramatic arc from the misguided introduction of the “midiclorians”. In Star Wars VII, we’ll find out that episodes I through act III of Episode III were dreams of Vader, while being operated on to create his evil robotized self after being dunked in lava. We will hear the real story, told as a series of flashbacks in this stunner.

Amazing children, however Samwich still has no teeth. His dentures come in next Monday. Sometimes you just can’t let nature take it’s course.

Our vacations this year included Las Vegas, Los Angeles, San Jose, San Francisco, Maui, Mars, Tuscany, Rome, Amalfi, Boston, Wickford and Boise. We enjoyed each day without argument, contention and remarkably without getting lost or overcharged a single time.

Anh was a participant in the “Insurance Testing Program” this year, where she “intentionally” got into two accidents with an Enterprise Rent-A-Car. We discovered that Allstate gets pissy and confused the second time you call them telling them that you wrecked not-your-car, but they owe money to someone for something. Sorry, not a 5 out of 5. As a side note – “Moving Wall” – still not a good excuse. We expect to get 5000 S&H GreenStamps for Anh’s efforts – Ellensburg here we come!

Some lovely folks in Georgia found out my Amex number and, as honest people do, reported this, and again participated in the “Amex Fraud Testing Program” by going to the same Target in Georgia 52 times in one day. Boy, those Amex guys are SHARP! They caught the testers on visit 27, when “I” bought 29 cartons of Marlboro Lights. How did Amex know that I couldn’t smoke?

So here now, as we sit here watching “The Sound of Music”, and we contemplate our great fortune in 2007, we can only look forward to an even better 2008. One filled with laughter, tears, sleep, and maybe some teeth for Samwich.

Oh, and by the way, Michael came out as Transgendered and is now Megan. She’s like Michael only with less hair everywhere but the top of her head, and with a more fashionable wardrobe.

We really are looking forward to an exciting and eventful year in 2008, for a change.