March 28, 2013
I’ve counseled virtually everyone I’ve ever worked with that when delivering news not to bury the lede (* – thanks Hillel for the typo fix. MW) . Taking my own advice then, I have some news. I’m transitioning back to Michael at the end of April.
The pragmatic view is that I am unable to take the hormones that were helping me with my transition, and as a result, I’m unable to continue my transition in the way that I had intended.
The few people that we’ve talked about asked how I feel about it – given that back in 2007 the drive to transition was inescapably strong. I feel fine.
Three things –
1) Taking the meds. Here’s the math – the general risk of a blood clot for someone with my genes and taking the meds I was on is something like .25% (lifetime). My risk is 100% – it happened. The mortality rate is between 20-50% (depending on how you count). So, for me at least, even trying to stay on meds and moderating with blood thinners seems untenable. I wish the numbers weren’t what they are – but they are – rain falls down (or sideways sometimes) – physics is the law, not just a good idea – F=ma – e=mc2 . I believe in the facts of this, and the result is clear.
2) Because the math is what it is, I don’t have an issue coming off the meds. Melancholy – yes. Angry or sad, no.
3) And the result – transitioning back. Here’s the deal, I know the hormones were doing a lot for me – less fur, hair loss, skin, etc. I know because those things are changing back already. I went all in on my transition – FFS, implants – because I didn’t want the fact of my transition to be the first thing people saw about me, either at work or at large in the world. I realize this position may not be shared by all, and that this may not be popular. Some might ask – “Isn’t it more important to be true to yourself, rather than to care what others think?”. Good point – but – I’m still the same person inside. All that will change is how people perceive me on the outside. They don’t define me, any more than the people who call me “Sir” today define me. I’d argue I am being true to myself. (Net net – everyone gets to define what being true to themselves means.)
As someone I used to work with has said – this will be a “Full Round-Trip”.
To all of the people I’ve met, and friends that Anh and I have made in the community – we are still the same – I’m still the same – and we still stand with you.
One additional note about work…. Microsoft has been *amazing* – both in their support of me as I transitioned, and how people have responded as I’ve told them about this chapter. I could not have asked for more kindness, understanding and straight up humanity.
I have no regrets.